I accepted, I forgave and I love all of us, including myself!
Forgiving yourself is forgiving others. Guilt, anger and resentment are emotions that have haunted, not to say poisoned, me for several years. But I freed myself from them!
We all have our share of negative emotions, which come in thousands of colors that at first glance seem very different, but when looked upon more closely, are very similar.
Today, I would like to tell you about all the emotions that I had to face following my separation from the father of my children.
We were no longer happy. We tried everything. I no longer saw a happy ending for us two. So I made the decision to break up from our vow. It was not an easy decision.
In the first years after the separation I had to face a dark rainbow of emotions… failure, mourning the dream of a fulfilled family life, sadness, fear of being alone, the difficulty of managing children, anger towards him, anger towards oneself, guilt, breaking family oaths…
I remember at the beginning of my separation, just shopping was a torture. Even in the supermarket I only saw happy families and that inevitably sent my thoughts back to my personal failure.
Over time, I got used to our new situation and I even started to really enjoy my life. I had my children with me every other week, so I had time for myself and my personal life.
But the emotions of sadness, anger, guilt regularly returned to blacken my new life which was under construction. I was stuck in an up and down limbo, just like before we ended it, with the difference of me no longer being in a relationship but alone.
I started doing yoga, meditating, getting closer to spirituality, I got a coach, I saw a therapist, I read personal development books. In short, I worked on myself.
I mean, I really worked on myself. I stopped looking for the typical “it wasn’t me, not that but this” excuses.
One happy day, I accepted. I accepted that I had not succeeded in my life as a married woman, nor in my family life as I imagined it. I accepted that the couple that we were was no longer. I stopped blaming him and myself.
Then I forgave myself. But really did so from the bottom of my heart, where there used to be more sadness, more anger, more guilt. Love was able to take its place in there. Love for myself, love for life.
The final step in my recovery was writing a letter to my ex-husband. A letter in which I wrote about my feelings, my emotions, what I got to know, my healing journey.
I asked of his apology, I was sorry to have been too much to handle. Sorry to have had too many expectations, sorry not to have been in love sometimes. Sorry to have broken his dream for a happy family too.
My children today, 6 years after our separation, are still sad at times. It is not easy for the little ones, it truly tears them apart. They are always missing one parent.
Seeing their children sad is not easy for any parent. I love them and show it to them. Their dad loves them and shows it to them. They grow surrounded with love even if their parents no longer love each other.
Nowadays when they have their melancholy moments I take them in my arms, console them, but I no longer feel guilty. I accepted, I forgave and I love all of us, including myself!